Why didn’t I notice the “red flags,” earlier in the relationship?

Full question: Why didn’t I notice the “red flags,” like not being romantic at all, earlier in the relationship?

This question was asked by a 38-year-old woman. When it comes to spotting so-called “red flags” in a relationship, people often distort or reinterpret the reality of what’s happening. This distortion depends on how much a partner’s behavior has actually changed over time.

While it’s true that some men can turn into distant, even abusive partners due to tragic or morally unjust life events—like illness, betrayal, or financial ruin—such cases are actually in the minority. Much more often, the issue is that a woman’s expectations are not fully met within the relationship. Here’s what that means in practice.

Practical advice
First, do an honest evaluation: To what extent has your partner’s behavior truly changed for the worse? If it has, communicate this clearly. Make sure he understands that if the behavior doesn’t change, it could lead to the end of the relationship or even divorce. This might sound confrontational, but it’s not immature—it’s actually crucial.
Practical suggestion: Communicate this in a way that ensures he can repeat back to you, in his own words, the understanding that continuing this behavior will damage or end the relationship. That mutual clarity is essential.

Practical advice
If the man’s behavior has not changed significantly, then the issue might lie in unrealistic expectations. Every relationship involves trade-offs, and no man can fulfill every expectation, especially those that are built on a fantasy of “romantic love.” Research on relationship satisfaction (e.g., Eastwick & Finkel, 2008) suggests that early-stage passion often fades once external obstacles—like distance or disapproval—disappear. In other words, the initial excitement isn’t sustainable in long-term relationships by default.

Practical suggestion: Recognize that the loss of romantic love is often part of settling into a committed relationship. Boredom and routine are built into long-term relationships, and fighting that boredom is a shared responsibility—not just the man’s job.

Practical advice
Finally, consider whether part of your frustration comes from the man’s attempts to become “softer” or more accommodating—especially if he stops setting boundaries as a masculine partner. From our work with hundreds of cases, we’ve seen that while this can feel empowering for some women initially, it often leads to a dynamic where the man becomes impossible to love or respect.


Practical suggestion: Communicate this clearly to your partner. Make sure he understands that mutual respect—and his willingness to set and maintain limits—is essential for maintaining attraction and love in the long term.